...a Donkey in the Kentucky Derby...

Pretty sure I'm the only person who's nostalgic for this ad campain. But what the heck, it's suposed to be in the high 80s this weekend. Prime conditions for a little T&T.

(May)be Better Off

The wife and I are throwing around the idea of a May without cable. Life seems to be better when you can avoid turning on the television. You find yourself engaged in activities like reading, talking, playing, making, walking, listening, and just using your time in a productive way. Days without television seem longer. Life seems better in general. I think we’d be happier without it.

Convincing ourselves of this move can be done. Staving off a children’s mutiny is another story. But ultimately, they would reap the most benefits from the experiment. They might discover reading and imagination. They might be inclined to get more exercise, take up hobbies and develop skills. Hopefully we’d all discover that we don’t even miss it. All realizing that cable was an addiction, offering little pleasure in exchange for hours of devotion.

On the other hand, we could become freakishly droll or unbearably uptight as a result. Or worse, we could discover that TV has been casually guarding us from discovering the fact that we are not compatible enough to live without it.

As part of a broader strategy, the cable free month will be supplemented with replacement activities. Scheduled walks, reading time, family game nights and earlier bed times will be instituted. And we shall devote ourselves to cultivating a vegetable garden and we will make time to watch movies together (so as to prevent atrophy of the entertainment center and withdraw fueled nervous breakdowns). Maybe some of us will learn to knit or sew. Maybe some of us will become healthier. Maybe we will all bond on a new level and become all around better, happier and smarter people.

But maybe we’ll hate the experience and resolve to watch more TV. Maybe we won’t make it a week before we mutually get to that point. Maybe we’ll bag the idea altogether. Maybe. Maybe not. But if it’s going to happen, it probably should be soon, the month of May being ideal. Because by the time June comes around and the rest of the family is stuck at home together full time, this kind of experiment might get ugly. Maybe I’ll have to rush home in the middle of the day to an episode of violent backlash. Or does that only happen on cable TV?

Here's Johnny!

I'm just finishing Steve Martin's Book, Born Standing Up. Towards the end of the second to last chapter he pays tribute to Johnny Carson. He describes him as reserved but gracious. Johnny treated all of his guests according to what they deserved and in such a way that would allow the audience to see their best qualities. He knew how to set someone up and how to bail them out. He was, no surprise, the ultimate host.

In any situation, be aware of when the focus is and isn't on you. And be on the ball when it comes to casting others in the best light. At the same time, be funny and keep things lively. A good host is someone people want to be around. He is likable and magnetic, but more important than that, he is gracious and puts everyone at ease.

At the table or the bar you can't go wrong giving a good lead in. Ask someone to tell that good story not everyone else has heard. Bend the conversation towards common interests. And above all, be composed.

WWAGD

Regardless of your religious inclinations, Jesus is a fine example for a gentleman. But let's face it, there's a somewhat limited syllabus. He never had kids or a job. And He never went on a date. Even if you're swept up in Davinci Code theories, there's no demonstration of how he dealt with it.

So if you're in a challenging situation at work or you're at a loss dealing with your child, think to yourself, what would Andy Griffith do?

Andy lives in a world where everyone around him is making a mess of things and he's the cool head that's there to help them out. He's the very essence of a gentleman. Not only that, but he's got impeccable patience, kindness, common sense and wisdom. He's the strait man surrounded by goofs. And in my estimation, that's a gentleman in a nutshell. Wit and wisdom play best when you've got the high ground in personality. Be smooth, do good, exercise patience and be like a small town sherif. Be in charge of the situation but be mindful of kind justice. And like both Jesus and Andy, be an example to Opie and the rest of Mayberry as well.

You should go to church every Sunday. But you should probably tune into TV Land once a week to watch an episode of the Andy Griffith Show too. It's only a half hour.

Peter Gunn

Before Monk and Magnum, before Rockford and Columbo, there was a television private investigator that set the standard. Peter Gunn was a smooth son of a bitch. Hard boiled like Spade and Marlowe, but cool as ice and dressed as dapper as Draper.

When I named my son Peter, my dad went out and bought me the first 2 seasons of the show on DVD. My step-son and I watched them intently, one episode after another. We were captivated. They say that cat Shaft is a bad mother f*#@er, but he’s got nothing on Gunn. He can go toe to toe from theme song to right hook. He digs jazz, has a gorgeous lady, a flawless look, and a steel persona. TV detectives typically fall neatly into the grizzled gumshoe, jet-setting playboy or the quirky character categories. Peter Gunn is his own line: Hipster bad-ass.

Starring Craig Stevens and produced by Blake Edwards, Peter Gunn stands up pretty well. If I were remaking the show, I’d keep the music, the clothes and the black and white. It has an almost timeless quality. And the title character is every bit as timeless. Tough as nails and smooth as silk. A true gentleman who knows how to get things done without shorting refinement. In my opinion, he’s the closest American counterpart to James Bond. Theme song and all.

The Andy Bernard Conundrum

Without question, Ed Helm’s character on NBC’s The Office is the archetypal preppy douche bag. Andy Bernard is annoying, stupid and full of himself. But damn if I don’t love his wardrobe. I recognize most of what he wears from J. Crew. And clearly, if he learned anything from his privileged upbringing and Ivy League education, it was how to dress.

In fact, I’m more or less dressed like Andy right now. I’m wearing the green and blue university striped tie and checked shirt from J. Crew with khakis and a sweater. I would like to point out that I acquired these items before he debuted on television. But this still begs the question: What does this all say about me? Is the fictional wardrobe of Andy Bernard modeled after dudes like me? Should I be concerned that I am coming off like a douche bag?

I’d much rather be the model for a character like Jim. His wardrobe isn’t objectionable. But frankly, he dressed like a Catholic high school student. I’ve been there. I’m not necessarily trying to go back to that. Perhaps I should strive for a middle ground. Maybe Oscar, but strait.

The Bob Newhart Show

In reccent years I've developed a distaste for traditional sit-coms. They seem to have gotten very stale and predictable. But worse than that, the majority of them tend to gravitate toward the lowest common denominator of entertainment. You can't even get one off the ground these days without a selection of boorish or manic characters. The idea of a gentleman on TV is almost a foregone conclusion. You have to jump back pretty far in time to get funny and genteel in one place. Thank goodness for the internet and thank goodness for Bob Newhart.

Take a little time to enjoy Dr. Robert Hartley, PhD. in mild, dry, reserved action on The Bob Newhart Show courtesey of Hulu.com

It's aslo currently running on the AmericanLife Network on Monday nights at 10:30 and is available through Netfix.