Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Good & Propper | Nails

I assume that most of you don’t need advice on trimming your nails. However, I have an assortment of bad habits in that department that I’d like to break. So for my own sake, here are a few random tips, thoughts, guidelines, etc. on the subject.

I chew off my fingernails, and cut my toenails off at the corners. Both are huge mistakes. The official Boy Scout Fieldbook recommends cutting toenails strait across. There are even uniquely designed clippers that have a flat edge for that purpose. And not only is biting your finger nails disgusting, (though only slightly less disgusting as the sound of someone using clippers at work) it’s not good for your nails. Don’t ask me why. In fact don’t ask me anything really. I’m a nibble and tear person. But I’m working on it.

The expression “cut to the quick” is from nail trimming. The quick is the portion of your nails cemented to your finger that hurts like a bitch and sometimes bleeds when you cut them back too far. Naturally, also not recommended for non-masochists.

Cut over a wastebasket. Not only will it help you avoid freaking out your wife. But I was watching a random episode of the Sopranos on A&E the other day. And that hot Italian boss Tony fantasizes about takes special care to dispose of her clippings. She tells Tony that if your enemy gets a hold of them, he can “put the evil on you”. And who wants that?

And let’s see... Don’t cut them when they’re wet. Dig them into a bar of soap before working in the yard to prevent getting dirt under them. Remember to file after clipping (long strokes, not in public, maintaining a manly posture).

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